The Abyss

Work Around Your Abyss
There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that whole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so gradually the abyss closes.
Since the hole is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being being completely absorbed in your painand being so distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love


I have been silent for months. First my energy went, then my self-filtration, my desire for the future, my wit, my laughter, and then finally my hope in the goodness of people. Some painful events take time to reveal themselves and then even longer to heal.

When I was young, I was completely absorbed in the pains I felt, "hiding" in the closet and bellowing for someone to come and listen to me. I quickly learned that people have their own pains.. and most would rather not touch yours. So I have become an expert in distraction.

A few days ago, a friend said to imagine a light going to my deepest pain. Immediately, I can call it to me. (Distraction obviously doesn't make it go away.) It starts in my throat and ends in a pit in my chest. And when I am really moved by it, I feel a tingling sensation in my fingers. I've been thinking about it for days, although still distracting myself from bringing a light to it. I can only describe it as giving away my deepest being to those who abused it, did not want it, and threw it away ... at least for now.