Remember

[W]e are all one step away from losing the stories of our lives. I write to remember...It is a strategy for learning. And for determining who and what we are--and who and what we yearn to be. ~Patti Digh, Life is a Verb


Without memories, we have no identity. As a child I could call to mind each and every sensory detail of an experience, and delighted in remembering the scenes of my life. But somewhere in my teens, the joy of remembering was replaced with anxiety and pain. So I began to knowingly forget the details of life. Looking back into the past, the moments of peace and happiness were pushed down by moments of anguish. Now to begin to reclaim my story and recover myself, I have to allow the images of goodness and celebration to grow through the cracks of despair in my mind.

Turning the past in my mind, I see the garden of beauty in life. I see the challenges and difficult experiences as roots to becoming all that I am meant to be...

Song

Use the talents you possess -- for the woods would be a very silent place if no birds sang except for the best. -- Henry Van Dyke

Light

The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness. --Vladimir Nabokov

Bloom

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin

The Abyss

Work Around Your Abyss
There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that whole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so gradually the abyss closes.
Since the hole is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being being completely absorbed in your painand being so distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love


I have been silent for months. First my energy went, then my self-filtration, my desire for the future, my wit, my laughter, and then finally my hope in the goodness of people. Some painful events take time to reveal themselves and then even longer to heal.

When I was young, I was completely absorbed in the pains I felt, "hiding" in the closet and bellowing for someone to come and listen to me. I quickly learned that people have their own pains.. and most would rather not touch yours. So I have become an expert in distraction.

A few days ago, a friend said to imagine a light going to my deepest pain. Immediately, I can call it to me. (Distraction obviously doesn't make it go away.) It starts in my throat and ends in a pit in my chest. And when I am really moved by it, I feel a tingling sensation in my fingers. I've been thinking about it for days, although still distracting myself from bringing a light to it. I can only describe it as giving away my deepest being to those who abused it, did not want it, and threw it away ... at least for now.